Decoding Your Style Choices

When a woman wears a long maxi skirt, it means shut up and leave me the fuck alone.  When we wear short skirts it means, I’m in no mood to compromise my fashion choices just because you can’t keep it in your pants.  And wearing a short black dress at a bar means…hellooooo gentlemen.

When a woman wears a ponytail it means, WE MEAN BUSINESS!

Wearing a hair scrunchie in your luscious locks means you’re just fucking awesome.  Continue doing exactly what you’re doing.

If women straighten their hair, it means their still stuck in 2007.  You should tell them to get the fuck out.

If you’re still wearing Uggs, you shouldn’t be.  In fact, you never should have worn them in the first place.

And don’t even get me started on crocs…

Now comes the commonly misinterpreted part.  When women wear high heels it does NOT mean that they are trying too hard to look sexy for guys.  In fact it is sometimes quite the opposite.  It simply means we, as women, like to wear high heels because they are cute, and they make almost any outfit look a million times better, and they help our posture, and they make short people look like they have long legs, and they give us stellar sculpted calves, and they’re all around just fucking awesome.

When people wear those low one-inch booties or sandals it’s basically just a pathetic attempt to wear high heels.  Now, I don’t mean this in a bad way…I’m just simply saying that your dedication could be better.  Why not really commit?

If you’re wearing flare jeans it means you understand that skinny jeans are way overdone! Now, if you combine those flare jeans with high heels then you should probably insure your legs for a million dollars cause honey…they gonna look like your best asset!  Pair your killer bottom half with a V-neck cleavage-bearing top and you’re basically a fucking beer commercial…screw the short shorts and cut-off tee.  You may just end up having guys walking down the street asking you for beer…or asking you OUT for a beer.

If a girl is wearing a baseball cap she is either a) a tomboy b) trying to appear like a tomboy or one of the guys when she’s with her boyfriend and his friends, c) hiding from the paparazzi (the less common reason) or d) trying to cover up her bad hair day.  If she’s blonde, she’s probably trying to cover up a bad hair day or convince guys that she’s not high maintenance.  If she’s brunette, she could very well be part tomboy.  But we all know that even tomboys have a pussycat doll somewhere deep within them…

If people seem to wear or not wear a certain color or style very often it could stem from a variety of reasons.  For example, I rarely wear white because I don’t want to have a white load of laundry to do.  If I stick to colors and darks, I can do just one load! I like to think of this choice as simply being practical and efficient…It could also stem from my extremely low tolerance for boring stuff.  Why spend more time doing laundry when it’s so unnecessary?  I make one little sacrifice…don’t wear white…and I’m golden!  I suddenly have all this time on my hands to do other stuff like…like… like…happy hour, writing articles for this blog, and watching 2 Broke Girls!

Drink, dance, laugh, and love.

And may you never ever misinterpret the signs.

Love,

J. Molly

(I just want to note that this article is exaggerated at times for comical effect…However, the main integrity of it should still be present.  Enjoy responsibly…and please do not tell people with straight hair to get the fuck out.  That was just a joke.  Straight hair is great…just not quite as great as straight hair that has been curled…)

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